Dating Makes You Want to Die by Dorothy Robinson

You have two choices:

Be attacked by a wolverine or go on a date

If you're smart, you chose wolverine.

If not—well, wait, are you sure you don't want the wolverine?

Happily ever after isn't so easy anymore. It's all speed dating, matchmaking terror, and visits to your therapist. Whether it's the mortification, frustration, or just plain exhaustion that's got you ready to give up on love, this book is here to help. After all, there are only two ways out of the dating scene. One involves giving up all your possessions and taking a vow of chastity. The other involves finding a permanent (or semi-permanent, anyway) partner. This book will help you get through the latter.

From the bar scenes and the first sexual encounter to deciding whether to move in together, Dating Makes You Want to Die walks you through every stage of the dating process—and, like a Belarusian arms dealer, provides the heavy artillery you'll need to destroy the potential problems lurking in each one. Each chapter discusses the problems that can arise when dating, offers a remedy, and includes hilarious sidebars and quizzes to further help you prepare for the jungle out there. Some sanity-keeping tips include:

• How to make a first impression that is more "good" than "totally crazy."

• How to not panic the moment you realize you're actually in an honest-to-God relationship.

• Helpful, foolproof breakup lines for total damage control.

Intelligent, snarky, and entertaining, Dating Makes You Want to Die may make you actually want to live through a relationship.